


don't know what's inside of me (shaking hands)

by thisisnotwhatihadplanned



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Early Days, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23532094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisnotwhatihadplanned/pseuds/thisisnotwhatihadplanned
Summary: Thank you for reading!
Relationships: josh dun and tyler joseph
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	don't know what's inside of me (shaking hands)

tyler's fingers flex over the steering wheel. his knuckles turn white when he grips it again. josh is too tired to really notice this, he adjusts in the passenger seat so his head isn't straining his neck. through the cracked windshield (mark drove behind a gravel truck), josh can see the exit that they were supposed to take fall behind them. 

"missed the exit."

"okay."

tyler takes the next one and finds an entrance to the same highway, but now they're traveling south. his hands are shaking now and josh rubs his eyes. in the part of his brain that's awake enough to care, he tells himself that he should tell tyler to lay off the redbull. right now he's swigging another one, the can dents under his thumb. 

tyler shakes his head, resolving a conflict josh can't see. he takes the right exit, and they're at a hotel in fifteen minutes. 

living with five guys in a van teaches josh that people are off when they're sleepy, so he just strips his shoes and socks off and falls onto the bed. but then josh doesn't feel weight on the bed for too long, so he turns his body. it's slow. tyler seems to be frozen, his back to their bed. he hugs himself tightly. 

"..tylr?" he's slurring his words, he could just lay his head back and fall asleep if tyler would get his ass in the bed and josh could stop worrying over nothing.

"yeah?"

"what are you doing?"

"taking my shoes off." he sits down on the bed and starts untying his shoes to prove his point. 

josh closes his eyes, and he's asleep.

_

"loser has to drive. not it."

everyone rushes to say "not it." so what if it's immature. they're living in a van. 

actually, tim, their manager, got it cleaned and aired out monday (or was it tuesday?) so josh isn't reluctant to be on the road again. but no one wants to drive. it'll be seven straight hours of almost nothing but highway. 

"aww, so sorry tyler," mark doesn't sound sorry at all, "looks like you gotta drive."

"heh." 

no one catches it but josh can tell something is off. he looks at his friend. 

"hey josh, if you drive this i'll buy your dinner for the next week, okay?"

he wiggles his eyebrows, and he's talking like an excited salesman, but josh can see something in his eyes. he really doesn't want to drive, but a whole week of dinner? and tyler is silently pleading. 

"okay bro."

"thank you."

it sounds more like relief than 'just got a deal'.

_

'just jerk it. just twist the wheel. imagine how josh would look, all bloodied up. i bet the windshield would break through his skull. imagine- NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP. STOP-' 

but tyler can't stop imagining his friend dead. he wants to jerk the wheel and crash them sideways, hear the noise of the big metal tub they were in fall to its side, all their impossible hopes and dreams gone. josh's nose would look like those photos from that documentary zach was watching and tyler, unfortunately, saw a glimpse of. that's why he doesn't watch horror movies. 

'it'd be so easy...NO STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE GOD TAKE THIS AWAY I DON'T WANT THIS...' 

the screaming match in his head makes him unaware of the conversation that was happening. josh only has one hand on the wheel and tyler's in the front seat . he could just reach over and yank-

"tyler, how does that sound?"

he wants to cry. this is almost as bad as the other thought he has. he will not think it. he feels dirty and evil and he needs to pray so the temptation will go away. what temptation? he would never do that thing in his right mind. but would he? he is scared of himself.

"earth to tyler, earth to tyler. earth wants to know if applebees is too much for your budget, over. we were gonna split the bill, over."

tyler grinned. "sounds good."

his friends don't make fun of him where it stings, and they never made fun of his "space face", they just say silly things to get his attention. his hands loosen, no longer tight fists. 

'what if josh was dead? you know he's not a christian. he'd go to hell. he'd burn in hell. he'd be in hell forever because you jerked the car. jerk it. jerk the wheel.'

"tyler? you okay?"

josh is quiet, not bringing attention from the other guys. 

"um," tyler thinks of what to say, "i need to sit in the back."

"okay, let me pull over."

josh is quick. 

"hey why'd we pull over?"

"just a seating change. who wants to be up front this time?"

"me." ben wants to control the radio.

tyler feels like throwing up but nothing comes out but a string of clear liquid when he starts retching into the grass. redbull. 

"usually people get carsick in the back of the van, joseph." tim chuckles and pats him on the back and tyler wants to rip his own hands apart. he needs to make sure he can't hurt anyone. 

_

josh hears sniffles from tyler. it has to be tyler, he can hear his voice through the sniffles, as weird as that sounds. it's quiet and he wonders if it's just allergies. but then he hears a shuddering breath and he looks over to see tyler's hands clenched together in a way that has to hurt. he's praying... and crying. josh wonders which is more important to tyler, saving embarassment or comfort from josh. 

"tyler?"

"no. no. no. uh, sorry josh."

"what's wrong?"

"im- i-." 

"you don't have to talk if you don't wanna."

"when i was - when i was upset back home my- my mom would rub my back. it felt nice."

josh wonders why tyler is opening up so much, but he gets the hint and starts rubbing circles over tyler's back, which was now facing him. he realizes this is weird for two guy friends to do, but he doesn't much care. it's tyler. he's different for some reason. he would never do this for mark, or brad. but if tyler needed him to rub his back- hell, if he needed to cuddle, josh would. and he'd love it. 

"sorry."

"no."

"okay."

"you know what?"

"huh."

josh takes that as a 'what'. "i think house of gold shouldn't start with drums. i think i should come in later. it sounds sweeter that way, it sounds more, i don't know, folky?"

"yeah, you're right." 

josh knew to get tyler focused on music when he didn't want to talk about his head. josh assumed that was the problem. he still needs to talk to him, though. it feels important that he does. fast. 

"um. what's got you so sad?"

tyler took a deep breath. 

"i'm a bad person. i'm so bad. i can't do anything without thinking bad thoughts. what if i go to hell josh? what if all that's real and i die and go to hell. that's why i haven't killed myself yet." 

his tone is weak but even, especially for what he's saying. josh resumes the back rub. 

"what do you think about?"

i can't- it's evil. too evil to say. i hate it, i don't wanna do the things i think about." 

"can i have an example?" josh hates asking but he needs to know to comfort. just a little. 

"bad stuff. like, um. i hate this. um-"

"you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"thank you."

josh thinks about all the times tyler prayed for hours and got worse, about how he confessed to josh that he prayed for salvation dozens of times a day when he was a teenager. 

"the bible is wrong ty, just because you think something doesn't mean you're a bad person. it doesn't even mean you wanna do the thing you think about. you're a good dude. really good."

this seems to unlock something in tyler. 

"i don't want you to die but i can't stop imagining it. you'd go to hell. you wouldn't but that's what my thoughts say. i'm sorry, i'm so sorry i-"

"it's not your fault ty."

"i can't even. i can't," he hid his face.

"every time i try i think of doing horrible things."

"you need to tell someone. that can help. but i know you don't want any of this."

"how?"

"because you're so upset over it. actual creeps like thinking this stuff. you don't. you don't even let me kill wasps."

tyler grins a little. his eyes shine, reflecting the bathroom light. josh needs it on, and tyler compromises. they both have quirks. they work together, though. 

"i guess."

"come here."

tyler is bony but josh still feels warm with him in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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